Though this is all about being emotional, I'll try tell my story, the story of " When my heart breaks " in a rather (little) funny way ( if I only I succeed in doing so ). Otherwise, it is most likely to shed a few tears once again ( which I don't want to). As I always say, " Emotions Hardly Die ".
What happened when I met the girl for the first time !
There I was standing at a corner of the community center square, leaning myself on the rail waiting for her. The cricket match between Indians and the Australians have attracted a good number of local dwellers around the big screen. And it had made the air filled with usual Indian sweaty smell.
A little nervous I was, trying to make myself calm, taking long breathes from time to time. She called up on the cell, and told that she have just reached and asked where I was. My eyes started scanning the whole place. There I saw a girl, tall enough to be noticed among the crowd, with long hair ( as it seemed to be) and pinkish cheeks (probably due to heat), on the other side of the square. As she draws nearer, my heart starts beating proportionately faster as if there was some kinda physical relation between the distance between us and the rate of beating of my heart. I wonder, if there is any, because it is something that is very common in everyone of us. No wonder, I'm also just a normal lad, who is meeting a girl whom I like, for the first time and no doubt, she was beautiful. Her dark blue pull-over jacket, black tight figure jeans, the pair of pink Reebok shoes, and the pale blue Levis bag, the picture still remains loud and clear in my mind.
This is one of those very few moments in my life, as " 20th February, 2011 was the first date with the most lovely girl in my life ".
What happened when my heart breaks !
1st of January, 2012, sitting here writing this note, and inside, my heart is still breaking up into more pieces. Adding to it, the song that I'm playing from Switchfoot " Yesterday " is adding more to the bleeding heart..... and when the line....
" I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday I still can't believe you're gone Oh I remember you like yesterday Yesterday And until I'm with you, I carry on "
....comes up, the ache in the heart grows more each time. Shit !! I still can't believe this is happening to me. How I wish to go somewhere on the top of a hill or mountain, or the middle of the jungle where there will be no human soul to see me, and there, cry out loud, so loud, that I get dehydrated due to excessive loss of body fluid and my throat goes all numb due to excessive strain due to shouting. And when the sun goes down, you feel like dying there, left to the scavengers of the night and tearing up every single flesh in my body and rot to hell, 'coz I felt like I deserve that as fate hasn't let me deserve her presence in my life.
Going back few months, the time when it started, I mean the heart break started, my heart felt very heavy those days. Like almost every guy who got dumped, I lost my appetite, the mind won't think of anything else, I didn't feel like doing anything, I bunked the office, I tried destroying everything, I went through all the messages, emails and all the collections of her pictures all over again. But, the heart won't stop from breaking.
It will always keep on thinking about the moment, the moment when I had expected a goodnight message in reply to my message, but a message that change the whole thing dropped in, and it says " I'm really sorry, I have been trying to tell you this, but couldn't tell you, I'm already in a relationship. Let's be good friends ". This killed me in a way and felt as if the whole world has crumbled.
I had 2321 messages in my inbox, and the 2322nd message brought the end to the story that started with the first message saying " You just got a message from Me...... ". Well, I lost my words, and all I could have said was " Well, you know better what's good for you, I'm happy that I have spent few good times of my life with you. " And after that, the world to me has changed. The way I used to see the world, people, emotions, feelings, trust, faith, commitment, love and humans, all changed. All had no meanings that defines them.
Every early morning, as I walked down the street, to my bus stop, alone, paving my way through the fog, with the songs on the earphone, each and every song would me feel to miss her even more. I tried playing all the genres: hard, metallic, thrash, to romantic and even meditation sounds, but the thoughts and the emptiness still linger on, on each and every strand of my nerves. Some songs, sometimes do wonderful effect. These songs made me feel like I'm in a movie or those sweet romantic music videos. One song in particular, made me feel so romantically emotional that I usually get few drops of tears in my eyes with it: " If tomorrow never comes " by Ronan Keatings. Every single stroke, every single note struck so hard to the deepest core of my heart, that literally made me feel like I'm never gonna see her again, and always regret that I have never let her know much I loved her. Every single step that I took seemed like I was going farther away from her. That would make me feel so full with grief. Sometimes, I wish, if I could sing like him, probably, I might have been able to move her to tears and she might come running to me in my arms.
When everything turns upside down and when whatever you have done had gone in vain, people start thinking of things which is hardly possible. I did too.
During these hard emotional days, when I watched movies like " Ironman " or the " Spiderman " or the " Captain America ", I felt this urge to engineer something that can give me some extra-human powers, and I would wear that suit and prove myself to be a savior of human kind, the keeper of this world. And as all superhuman heroes do, I would save her from every danger, and be nice to her and she would fall in love with me. Next moment, I was completely lost in thoughts like this and when I come back to senses, I so much hate the real world. I felt, atleast I was happy with my imagination. In situations like this, guys who have loved someone so much start losing their usual normal senses. I was not different. After-all, I am also just a normal guy who happened to loved her a little bit more that I should have.
Then sometimes, the wicked side of me would have some other plans. Like those sci-fi movies, I had wanted to track down the guy, pin point out his exact location, hacking into US advance surveillance satellite systems, and put a destructive gamma ray into that location and blast everything off, leaving not even a trace. Then, I would hack into database and forge his identity to be an internationally wanted criminal with over 1000 million dollars reward over his head. Later on, I would called her up and expressed my condolence and surprise over his terrorist links. And I would tell her that I am an undercover agent, but that I had truly loved her. I would think of her crying with her head on my shoulder, and I consoling her and telling her to let it go and telling her that I'm always there for her. Though this is a monstrous wicked thought, but if it were possible, I might think of giving a chance to this for I'm ready to go to hell after life, but in this life, a life with her is all that I want.
Many thoughts like this never cease to come up. I guess this is some kind of natural defense mechanism to cope up with heart breaks. Whatever it is, atleast it gives me something with which I can atleast pass another few minutes.
Before the heart break, I was writing some stories. I had intended to make them romantic happy ending stories. But, the heart break had happened and I ended up giving them a horrible, sad ending story killing both the lovers in a very tragic and heart bleeding way. I haven't published it yet, coz they had such a horrible ending that I fear my friends might take me as an evil heartless cold bastard.
What did I do when my Heart has broken !
When it comes to actual real thing, what I did is completely different from what I wish to do. Simply I took off. I decided not be keep anything in mind for she is the most lovely girl in my life. I don't have any intention of playing a villain in her life, when I have wished to be her hero, nor do I opt to be on the side role being a well wisher and a good friend. I have a different view in this matter. It's like my mother asking me to keep the dead dog if I love it so much. On the contrary, I would give one last loving kiss and bury him and built a tomb over his grave and would come every day to put the best flower in the garden.
Now, what do I do ? Simple, I work, work and work and work even more harder. I let the early morning cinematic emotional imagination go free in my mind, and make use of the great emotions that come up to bring new ideas and stories to write about. And on the way back home late at night, I jot them down on my red diary which I bought on my second date with her. Its red gives me fresh memories for she had liked red. Emotions would again flow down the nerves and I try my best to collect them on the pages with the stroke of the pen.
I have learned to let her go, and so did I let myself fly again among the clouds, going where the wind blows, not knowing will I be able to return back to where I was. But, all that I know is :